Those Last Years Part-1

Dear Friends and Fellow Bloggers,

My wings of poetry I feel are broken. From past few days I am not feeling like writing poetry neither I am trying to. Some incidents in life fade the colour of our life. Losing my younger brother at such an early age is a big blow for me, my parents and sister.

With passing days pain is growing and going deep. Unable to bear it’s load today I decided to vent it all out through writing. Though this is my poetry blog but all I’m able to write or think these days is last few years I spent in pain and fear of losing him…and then finally lost him.

This is first chapter of first dreadful day-

4th March 2018

It’s been seven months today. I was wondering who spread the rumor that time heals. Some pains are meant to be there life long. Just like a deep scar that is left behind after some major accident, to remind the pain and injury life long.

I have not kept any picture of my dead brother anywhere in open in my home. All memories are saved and stored in secret folder of my phone. Which I dare not to open. They carry power to destruct my self made invisible wall. The wall behind which I am hiding all my pain and loss.

Tired from day’s work and mental agony I sat on my new couch in the drawing room, wishing I could show my brother this new furniture. With tears bubbling again, I placed my head on couch’s back and closed my eyes. Wandering in world of memories where I could re-live those beautiful days once again.

From the catapult of so many memories my brain landed on two and a half year old hospital time we both spent together. I remember the day when I received call from my sister on first of September 2015. Our dad met with an accident and she was taking him to hospital. His leg which was injured fifteen years back in a major accident is again injured and needed to be operated once again.

I was at Indigo office that time with my daughter for her interview for post of cabin crew. She had cleared her 12th that year and decided to try her career in this field. My husband and I decided to let her live her dreams. She was successfully clearing one round after another. It was around 3 p.m. and the number of girls was reducing every hour with each round. Now just three other parents were sitting with me in waiting room. We were there since 7:30 a.m.

To stretch my legs and in need of some coffee, I decided to go out of the building. I was entering a nearby CCD when received call from my sister. The news made me dizy and sick. I asked her to take dad to hospital and told her I’m stuck here and couldn’t leave till my daughter’s interview get over. We were told it could be 6 or 7 in evening till we get to know the result of final round.

I ordered my coffee and was trying to think rationally what should I do when received call from my brother. He too was very sick at that time. He himself needed to be hospitalised. He called me to give the same news. I assured him that I will come next day early morning. Feeling so helpless not able to help them, I finished my coffee absently. Paid the bill and went back to Indigo office on 2nd floor of the building.

Other parents too were looking exhausted. We were chatting about the job and kids when my daughter smiling and beaming with happiness entered the room and gave me news that she got hired. All my tiredness and worries flew away for few minutes. I felt so happy and proud. Everyone sitting there congratulated us. It was not a small thing to get selected among 70 to 80 girls in first attempt without any prior experience that too at young age of 18. She was the youngest candidate there at that day. With smiles mixed with tears we left for home.

On our way back I told whole situation to my daughter. She too asked me to go there early next morning. Assuring me she will manage everything from that day on for her new job. I was worried for all my parents, brother and daughter.

Closing my eyes I prayed to Almighty to give me strength and wisdom to act sensibly in this difficult time. Next day I left my home early morning and requested my husband to accompany me as my brother’s condition was serious and he too needed to be hospitalised.

My daughter assured me she is getting cab facility and meals in office so I need not worry for her. On reaching my parent’s home I managed not to cry on looking at worst condition of my brother. We called one of my uncle and Honey’s (my brother’s) friend to take him to hospital. My mom was all alone at home as my sister was with my dad in another hospital.

That day was most difficult day for all of us. On way to hospital we stopped to see my dad. My brother too wanted to meet him before leaving for hospital. My dad was and is powerhouse of strength and positivity in our family. Though he himself was in pain as operation was scheduled that day in evening. He was giving us all advise not to lose hope and stay positive. He asked us not to worry for him.

With quick exchange of tearful glances we took Honey to hospital. Where he was kept in emergency for initial few hours. Hospital was full of dengue patients and no bed was available. Almost in each and every hospital in Delhi that year the condition was same.

My maternal Aunt happened to knew the senior doctor there and after her attempts a doctor visited and checked my brother. He called me in his chamber and gave the worst news that my brother is not going to live more than a few months. According to him it was last stage of liver syroisis. He asked us to immediately shift him to ICU.

I went white and cold as dead. Till then it never crossed any of us that my brother is actually adamant to end his life drinking day and night after his wife left him for someone else and took their daughter with her too. What was killing my brother was she didn’t allow him to meet his daughter and filed a divorce with false allegations against our family.

He was heartbroken and lost the zest for life. Me and my sister were so busy and preoccupied in our lives that we failed to save him from falling in depression. Now I’m sitting here in my home wishing I should have paid more attention and should have made more attempts…if…

To be continue…

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35 thoughts on “Those Last Years Part-1

  1. I cannot ‘like’ this post – it is too heart-breaking. Please do not blame yourself. This was a choice that your brother made, and you are not responsible. Grief is a hard thing to go through – I also have lost a beloved brother – and it does not ‘get better’, but you will come out of this dark place, and begin to remember the good things, the times of love and happiness. Remember the promise ‘Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted’. God bless you in this difficult time.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m sorry to know about your loss Maureen. Grief is really hard to go through. Time is making it even worse.
      Sometimes it feels he died but we have been punished. These last few days were worst to deal with this pain. And I don’t know any other way to deal with it except writing.
      I thought of writing it all and feel a little better…if I could.

      Thank You so much for your kind reassuring words and hope. May you too get this peace.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Such pain and heartbreak for you. Keep writing, it is cathartic and we are all here listening and being with you. As another responder said, do not blame yourself. God has a plan for everyone of us, and for some reason your brothers path was set. We don’t understand the why and sadly we are left behind with the pain. Hold onto the good memories and perhaps one day they will cause you to smile and not to cry. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for being with me. Reading and understanding at that level. Yes I planned to write it for another reason too. Last few years of my brother were a great lesson for me. The bravery he showed in days spent in hospital I want to share with everyone. There is so much untold wisdom that I witnessed. Ironically his time in hospital was the one of most memorable time I spent with him.
      Thank You once again for your kindness.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I was wondering how you were doing, Meenakshi. Yes, drinking is very hard on the liver. You talked about him off and on when he was in the hospital. He must be strong to linger for quite a while. It’s the mercy of God to give you a considerably long time to spend with your brother. For that, I’m thankful for you. You and your brother had some time to tell each other how much you love each other. It was precious and memorable.
    Yes, time heals, but nobody can tell how long that time would be. You decide on how long that time would be for you. No two persons are alike. I’m glad that you’re writing about that. You’re not alone in dealing with sorrow and grief. As long as you’re writing, we’re here reading and listening. May God be with you during these difficult hours.
    Your friend, Miriam

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank You Miriam. Yes last two and a half years before his death were no less than a blessing for us. That was a memorable time we spent together. It gave me many lessons that I thought of sharing through this column.
      Time I myself don’t know could heal or not. As sometimes I feel I’m alright then sometimes it feels I can’t even breathe.

      He was a part of my life, my childhood. Always there for me showering his unconditional love.

      I’m greatful my friend you took time out to read and reach me. It means a lot.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Don’t worry about the timeline of healing or not. We don’t know exactly what it looks like when we’re healed. Doesn’t it mean that we don’t feel the pain any more? Doesn’t it mean that you don’t think of your brother as much, or lose the intensity of the memories? We don;t know. Nobody could tell you what it looks like. So don’t worry about it. Our emotions fluctuate from day to day. When you have immediate concerns such as taking care of your daughter (even though she is grown up), you may suppress your feelings to take care of your tasks. Other times, something may trigger your intense feelings.
        Do what you have to do each day; and deal with your thoughts and feelings the way that suit you best.
        When my husband goes through some hard time, I wish his best friend Randy is still alive because Randy could cheer him up in a way that I can’t. I miss Randy also in a certain way.
        Just hang in there my friend (someone made a comic strip ,about “hang in there” and draw a picture of an animal hanging upside down). We may feel like hanging in there upside down, sometimes.

        Take care of yourself, my friend!!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I’m so greatful for having a friend like you Miriam. Who can understand me so perfectly. You are so right this pain and missing part is like off and on button which will go like this now.

          When he was alive not a single day went when we didn’t talk. So how can I not miss someone who was a part of my life, my family.

          Thank You Miriam thank you so much. 💖

          Liked by 1 person

  4. As has been said already, I cannot ‘like’ this post, as it is too sad. The only practical thing I can suggest is writing a letter to your brother; I lost my own brother unexpectedly a couple of years ago, and I wrote him a letter which I keep on my computer. It was a way of saying goodbye, and it really helped me come to terms with his death. If you would like, I am happy to email you a copy of it, so you can see how I went about it, although I perfectly understand if you don’t. But I wish you strength.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Some how I always feel your pain personally!! I can understand the loss of one of the member of family and that too who young and sparkling to everyone’s eye!! Difficult but for the love of him have to try to move on or he will be getting hurt from where ever he is watching you !!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’sreally kind of you to understand my pain. I thought that I moved on but time has taught me no matter how many years pass (although it is just 7 months) but losing some family member is something you can never get over it.
      Sometimes we just laugh remembering good times spent with him. The only time I feel okay is when I block his memories or truth that he is not alive completely but that is temporary.

      I will learn to live with this pain sooner or later.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Whatever happened was tragic but don’t blame yourself, you could have done nothing to make it work otherwise. Everything is pre written and not even a word of Destiny could be tweaked a bit. All we can do is try to make peace with it.

    Like

    1. That’s what I’m doing Cherry. Just to deal with my grief I’m writing it all.
      I can’t help but blame myself when I remember how he used to request me to visit my parent’s home but due to my personal reasons I kept denying them. I should have understand his loneliness and need to feel loved. Anyway since I can’t move back wheel of time, yes it’s better not to blame myself.
      Thank You so much for your kind words.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m sorry for your loss. I know from experience that no consolation is possible for the sudden or traumatic death of a loved one. Everyone has to go through the sorrow until one day, it hurts a little less, or you get used to the pain… Patience and shower those who are still alive with love❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Vishal!
      I’m sorry to share this again and again but this is the only way I can feel light by writing it all here. I have stopped talking about it with my friends and family.
      I appreciate your concern and understanding. You are able to understand as you yourself went through this.

      Liked by 1 person

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